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Category (COMPUTERS: Angst)

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   Abandon all hope, ye who PRESS ENTER here
   Access denied--na na na NA na
   Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later
   Alpha test version: too buggy to release   Beta test version: still too buggy to release   Release 1.0: alternate pronounciation of beta test version
   Any given program will expand to fill all availible memory plus 1K
   Calm down--It's only ones and zeroes
   Cars can smell it when you have money--computers can smell it when you have time
   Computers are like the Old Testament God--lots of rules and no mercy
   Computers eat time--we only THINK they run on electricity
   Computers save time like kudzu prevents soil erosion
   Control Data: don't let it control you
   Demonstrations always crash--the probability of them crashing goes up exponentially with the number of people watching
   Every program is part of some other program, and rarely fits
   General System Error: Please sacrifice a goat and two chickens to continue
   God could create the universe in six days because he didn't have to make it upward compatible
   Hardware: the part of the computer that can be kicked. If you can only curse at it, it's software.
   Hit any key?  With what?
   I am a softwareholic. If you are a decent person, you will not sell me any more software.
   I don't care if it IS user friendly--I'm not computer friendly
   I don't like icons--if we were meant to read hieroglyphs, we'd still be building pyramids
   I got a life, but it won't run on my operating system
   I have a spelling checker.  It came with my PC.  It plainly marks for my revue mistakes I cannot sea.  I've run this poem threw it, I'm sure your pleased to no.  Its letter perfect in it's weigh--my checker tolled me sew.
   I keep hitting the escape key, but I'm still here
   I really hate this damned machine, I wish that they would sell it. It never does quite what I want, but only what I tell it.
   If cars had followed the same developmental path as computers, a Rolls Royce would cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside
   Implementation is the fruitless struggle by the talented and underpaid to fulfill promises made by the rich and ignorant
   Implementing systems is 95% boredom and 5% sheer terror
   Insert disk 5 of 4 to continue
   It's a computer thing--I wouldn't understand
   My life is coming to bits, and I'm trying to keep it word-aligned
   The nice thing about standards is that you have so many to choose from
   Not a beta tester
   Now that the deadline's past, can I please have the spec?
   Oh, drat these computers.  They are so naughty and complex.  I could just pinch them.
   Old code never dies.  It just waits for the year 2000.  Quietly.
   Only a fool expects rational behavior from their fellow human beings.  Why do they expect it from a machine that human beings have constructed?
   Press any key.  NO!  NO!  Not that one!
   Press any key to continue, or any other key to format hard drive
   Producing a system from a specification is like walking on water--it's easier if it's frozen
   Program: a magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input into error messages
   Running the Y2K death march--and it's all uphill
   SCSI is *not* magic.  There are fundamental technical reasons why it is necessary to sacrifice a young goat to SCSI chain now and then.
   System Error--press F13 to continue
   The system has been overhauled, and all its major weaknesses have been exposed, analysed, and replaced with new weaknesses
   To continue, strike keyboard with forehead....
   Upward compatible means that we get to keep all our old mistakes
   What part of NOT SUPPORTED didn't you understand?
   When all else fails, let a = 7. If that doesn't work, read the manual.
   You are in a twisty little passage of standards, all conflicting
   You can tell a real programmer by the keyboard dents in their foreheads
   You know better than to trust a strange computer
   No, I will not fix your computer
   Been there, done that, reformatted the hard drive
   10 HEADDESK, 20 GOTO 10, 30 END

Stickers

   C code. C code run. Run, code, run! (please?)
   Computers are vehicles for the mind. They drive you crazy!
   Computers cut my work in half... and the boss expects me to put it all back together!

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Contact Nancy Lebovitz to discuss anything you want; she's friendly. This includes discussing the site, of course.
Or contact Joshua Kronengold, who did most of the [perl] CGI and HTML work on the site if you want to discuss similar work [He's not at all cheap, but is good and fast].