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   An acceptable level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job
   Always keep a record of your data--it shows you've been working
   Another deadline, another miracle
   Any bureaucracy re-organized to enhance efficiency is indistinguishable from its predecessor
   Any reform must be accounted a success which does not have an effect exactly the opposite of that intended
   Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are held to discuss it
   Any sufficiently advanced bureaucracy is indistinguishable from molasses
   Any sufficiently low technology is indistinguishable from hard work
   Ask for a silly requirement, get a silly solution
   Beam me up--they're not hiring either
   Carpe Noctem Seize the night I do more work after 2AM than most people do all day
   Caution--I was not hired for my disposition
   Cheap, Fast, Good--pick two
   Come on, people--I can only do six things at once, and one of them HAS to be breathing
   Committees have become so important that subcommittees have to be appointed to do the work
   Competency is its own punishment
   A conference is a place where conversation is substituted for the dreariness of labor and the loneliness of thought
   A corporation will do things too dumb for a person to do.  A government will do things too dumb for a corporation to do.  The bigger and older a corporation is, the more it resembles a government.
   Crime doesn't pay, but at least you're your own boss
   The customer is always right until proven otherwise--lets them feel good for a few minutes
   The customer isn't always right, but they do get an unnatural amount of slack
   Debugging is anticipated with distaste, performed with reluctance, and bragged about forever
   Don't be irreplaceable--if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted
   Don't worry about who you step on when you're on the way up if you don't plan on coming down
   The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm
   Eat Fast   Tip Big   Get Out
   An employer once said, "What if I train my people and they leave?" and I answered, "What if you don't train them and they stay?"
   The first 90% of the task takes 90% of the time, and the last 10% takes the other 90%
   First-rate people hire first-rate people.  Second-rate people hire third-rate people.
   For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision
   Forms follow function, and often obliterate it
   Fun, Legal, Profitable--pick two
   God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the equipment, training, and staff to make a difference
   The good news is: I'm a perfectionist.  The bad news is: I charge by the hour.
   A good slogan can stop thought for fifty years.  A great slogan can stop it forever.
   Hard work may not kill me, but why take chances?
   Have food--will work for money
   Here at First National, you're not just a number--you're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash, and another number
   Housework can kill you if you do it right
   I can't go to work today--the voices said to stay home and clean the guns
   I do the work of three men--Larry, Moe, and Curly
   I don't delegate responsibility--I delegate blame
   I don't do work, but I have a friend who does
   I don't miss deadlines, I ignore them
   I have a talent for idleness which is tragically wasted by my working here
   I keep hitting the escape key, but I'm still here
   I save lives--what do you do?
   If we have to re-invent the wheel, could we at least get it round this time?
   If work were so wonderful, the rich would keep it all for themselves
   I'm a right-brain mind in a left-brain job
   I'm not loafing--I work so fast I'm always finished
   I'm not unemployed--I'm looking for the perfect job
   I'm self-employed, and my boss is a bastard
   I'm self-employed, and my boss is a bitch
   I'm so bored I may have to resort to doing some work
   Implementation is the fruitless struggle by the talented and underpaid to fulfill promises made by the rich and ignorant
   The impossible we do immediately.  Miracles require 24 hours notice.
   In prison, you get time off for good behavior.  At work, I get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
   It's amazing how long it takes to finish something you're not working on
   It's not procrastination--it's the incredible Just-in-Time Workload Management System!
   Jobs don't kill programmers.  Programmers kill jobs.
   Lead lemming
   The less you bother me, the sooner you'll get results
   Liberal Arts Graduate--Will think for food
   May the toes I step on today be in no way connected to the asses I must kiss tomorrow
   The meek may inherit the earth, but it's the grumpy who get promoted
   My boss said homosexuality is a disease, so I called in queer to work
   A neat desk is the sign of a sick mind
   Never learn to type.  If you do, someone will ask you to do it.
   The Night Crew--it's an attitude
   No job too big, no job too small, no job too stupid
   No major project is completed on time, within budget, or by the same staff who started it.  Yours will not be the first.
   No wanna work!  Wanna bang on keyboard!
   Of course my job looks easy--I'm doing it
   One of the symptoms of impending nervous breakdown is the belief that your work is terribly important
   Organization: n. Arrangement in an orderly or logical fashion.  See 'miracle'.
   Out of body, back at end of meeting
   Permanent job security is being the only one in the office who reads manuals
   Please solve your problems in advance so that we can help you better
   The problem with trouble-shooting is that trouble shoots back
   RTFMA Read the manual, SIR!
   The same qualities that make me so charming have also made me unemployable
   SECURITY   Sure, it starts out as "ooh" and "aah", but then later there's running and screaming and....
   Service with a snarl
   A sick mind is not necessarily the sign of a neat desk
   Suffering from the inhumanity of regular employment
   There can't be a crisis next week--my schedule is already full
   There's no need to do housework--after four years the dirt doesn't get any worse
   They'll make me wear a beeper when they put it into my cold dead hands
   This job is a test.  It is only a test.  Had it been an actual job, it would have been followed by pay raises and promotions.
   This job would be a lot easier if it weren't for the clients
   Those who are unable to remember past meetings are condemned to repeat them
   To err is human.  To forgive is not company policy.
   The trouble with being boss is there's no satisfaction is stealing office supplies
   The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output
   We aren't disorganized--we have an organization which is beyond comprehension
   We tend to meet any new situation by reorganizing...and a wonderful method it is for creating the illusion of progress, while producing confusion, inefficiency, and demoralization
   We, the unwilling led by the unknowing are doing the impossible for the ungrateful.  We have done so much with so little for so long that we are now capable of doing practically anything with virtually nothing.
   Welcome to hell.  I'm your supervisor.
   What do you mean, we're not getting paid?
   When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly
   Why did the Roman Empire collapse?  What's Latin for office automation?
   The work most executives do isn't very different from the work most secretaries do, except that executives rarely have demonstrable skills like typing ninety words a minute
   Work your fingers to the bone, and what do you get?  Bony fingers!
   Yea, though I walk through the valley of bad design, I will fear no tolerance, for I can just "work around it"
   You can name your own salary here--I call mine Fred
   You can stop being useless now--the crisis has passed
   You don't have to be crazy to work here.  We'll train you.
   You guys start writing code and I'll go find out what they want
   You knew the job was dangerous when you took it
   Your lack of planning does not constitute my emergency
   I can only please one person per day.  Today is not your day.  Tomorrow probably won't be, either.
   I pretend to work.  They pretend to pay me.
   It doesn't have to make sense--it's library policy
   There's a creep in every office.  Don't let it be you.  But what if you're self-employed?
   The Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) has determined that the maximum safe load capacity on my butt is 2 persons at one time unless I install handrails or safety straps.  As you have arrived 6th in line to ride my ass today, please take a number and wait your turn.
   The meetings will continue until productivity improves
   You cannot really appreciate Dilbert until you have read it in the original Klingon
   If we knew what we were doing, we wouldn't call it research
   Just do what your boss would do if they knew what they were talking about  
   Yes, I'm working on it.  No, I don't know when it will be done.  DON'T ASK!
   Will work for money   
   At meetings someone speaks and says nothing. Nobody listens -- and then everybody disagrees.  
   Every engineer's goal is to retire without being blamed for a major catastrophe  
   First Rule of Night Ops: There is no Night Ops. Second Rule of Night Ops: What happens in Night Ops, stays in Night Ops.
   Change is inevitable. Exact change is appreciated.
   De facto standards are standards. De jure standards are wishes.  
   Real musicians have day jobs
   I no longer fear hell, I work in retail  
   If your coalition isn't driving you crazy, it isn't broad enough
   My coalition is broad enough
   SECURITY....Protecting people like you from people like me
   There's gotta be an easier way of going broke
   The person who says it can't be done shouldn't interrupt the person who is doing it  
   University faculties are communities of scholars united only by common grievances about parking
   NOT BORN TO MULTI-TASK--would all tasks please line up in order?
   Give a silly requirement, get a silly solution
   Because I'm the agent, that's why
   TGI[shin]
   With feedback, decisions are judged on results. Without feedback, decisions are judged on appearance.    
   I am not a mad scientist. I am an angry engineer.
   Work Sleep Reading--Pick Two  
   My job is so secret that even I don't know what I'm doing
   No lesson plan survives contact with the e/n/e/m/y/ students
   I'm new at this. If you want someone more experienced next year, be nice to me.
   Why can't anyone tell I'm wearing this business suit ironically?
   I work well with others. Others. Not you.
   I fight entropy. It's great job security.
   The great thing about writing is that you can set your own schedule-- any 18 hours of the day you like

Stickers

   Another Deadline, Another Miracle
   To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.
   Summa cum laude graduate, Darth Vader School of Personnel Management
   Computers cut my work in half... and the boss expects me to put it all back together!
   It's hard to Soar with Dragons when you Work with Gargoyles
   Always proofread. You might have something out.
   Out of mind - Back in 5 minutes
   Seven out of ten voices in my head say "Call in sick"

ADVICE
ANARCHY
ANGST
ANIME
ANTI-BUSH
THE ARTS
ATTITUDE, ARROGANCE, BOASTING
BABIES AND OTHER RELATIVES
BACKRUBS AND HUGS
BITCHINESS AND PMS
BOOKS
BUREAUCRACY
CAFFEINE
CATS
CHOCOLATE
COME ONS, TURNDOWNS, SEX, GENDER
COMPUTERS: General
COMPUTERS: Angst
COMPUTERS: Bugs
COMPUTERS: Dealing with Users
COMPUTERS: Jobs
COMPUTERS: Personal Computers (DOS, MAC, etc.)
COMPUTERS: Programming
COMPUTERS: Puns
COMPUTERS: Specific Languages (C, COBOL, OTHERS)
COMPUTERS: Unix and Related OS's
COMPUTERS: Email, social media, the web, and usenet
CROSSOVER
CTHULHU
CYNICISM
DISCORDIANISM
DOGS
DRINKING AND DRUGS
DRIVING
ELECTION 2004
FAERIE
FANDOM
FIBER ARTS
FIRST AMENDMENT
FANTASY
FANTASY ROLE-PLAYING
FOOD
IDEALISM
INSANITY
KINKY
LANGUAGE
LATENESS
L337 and LOLCAT
LEFT-HANDEDNESS AND DYSLEXIA
LIBRARIES
MAGIC: THE GATHERING
MATHEMATICS
MEDIA
MEDICAL
MEDIEVALISM
MILITARY AND WAR
MONEY
MOOD AND TEMPERAMENT
MORNINGS, SLEEP DEPRIVATION
MURPHY'S LAWS
MUSIC
9/11
NINJA
NUMBER OF THE BEAST
OBSCURE
PAGANISM
PARADOXES AND LOGIC
PIRATES
POLITICS
PUNS
PURPLE
REALITY
RELIGION
RIDDLES
SCHOOL
SCIENCE
SECOND AMENDMENT
SCIENCE FICTION
SICK HUMOR
SILLINESS
SMOKING AND NON-SMOKING
SONG PARODIES
SPACE
STRESS
UNITARIAN UNIVERSALISM
UNIVERSAL TRUTHS
VAMPIRES
VIOLENCE
VERY SECRET DIARIES
WEAPONS
WEIRDNESS
WORK
WRITING
ZOMBIES
MISCELLANEOUS

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