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Category (CYNICISM)


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   Academic infighting is vicious because the stakes are so low
   An acceptable level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job
   All life is a conjugation of the verb "to eat"
   Always keep a record of your data--it shows you've been working
   Among animals, it's eat or be eaten.  Among people it's define or be defined.
   The amount of common sense is fixed, but the population keeps going up
   Ancient Goth: someone who overthrew the Roman Empire   Modern Goth: a vegetarian pretending to be a vampire
   Any bureaucracy re-organized to enhance efficiency is indistinguishable from its predecessor
   Any reform must be accounted a success which does not have an effect exactly the opposite of that intended
   Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are held to discuss it
   Any slogan simple enough to fit on a button is too simple to do any good
   Any sufficiently advanced bureaucracy is indistinguishable from molasses
   Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo
   Any sufficiently complicated technology is indistinguishable from bad karma
   Any sufficiently high technology is indistinguishable from doubletalk
   Anything you say will be distorted and remixed and used against you
   Ask not what you can do for your country,  but what your country is doing to you
   The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think
   Be sure to save your money--you never know when it might be worth something
   Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life here
   Being depressed by the poor isn't much worse than being bored by the rich
   Being in politics is like being a football coach--you have to be smart enough to understand the game and stupid enough to think it's important
   Blessed are the ugly and determined, for they acquire the wealth to command the handsome and clever
   Censorship ///// is for your own good <has slashout>
   The chief cause of problems is solutions
   Committees have become so important that subcommittees have to be appointed to do the work
   Competency is its own punishment
   A corporation will do things too dumb for a person to do.  A government will do things too dumb for a corporation to do.  The bigger and older a corporation is, the more it resembles a government.
   Create a system any fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it
   Cynical?  No, I'm an optimist
   A cynic's work is never done
   Democracy is four wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch
   Do we really want the people who solved the S & L crisis to solve the education crisis?
   Don't be irreplaceable--if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted
   Don't look back--the lemmings might be gaining on you
   Eagles soar but a weasel will never get sucked into a jet engine
   The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
   The early bird still has to eat worms
   The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm
   Enough research will tend to support your theory
   Events may be roughly divided into those which probably never happened and those which do not matter
   Every snowflake in an avalanche pleads not guilty
   The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 50% of the data must be discarded to obtain a correspondence with the theory
   The first 90% of the task takes 90% of the time, and the last 10% takes the other 90%
   Foreign aid is the transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries
   Friendly fire isn't.  Recoilless rifles aren't.  Suppressive fire won't.
   Fun, Legal, Profitable--pick two
   Go Lemmings Go!
   God, in His bounty and generosity, always creates more horse's asses than there are horses to attach them to
   God is love--but get it in writing
   Government is the great fiction whereby everyone endeavors to live at the expense of everyone else
   A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always count on the support of Paul
   Have you ever had your phone tapped by the government? YOU WILL and the company that brings it to you is...AT&T
   History doesn't repeat itself--historians repeat each other
   History is the science of what never happens twice
   Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is the better defense
   How come you never see a politician laugh? Because they know what they're getting away with, and if they started laughing, they'd never stop
   Humpty Dumpty was pushed
   I don't care who does the electing, so long as I get to do the nominating
   I never believe anything until it's been officially denied
   I was stupid, I was expendable, and here I am
   If a program is useful, it must be changed--if it's useless, it must be documented
   If all the economists in the world were laid end to end, they'd point in different directions
   If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates
   If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
   If it doesn't work, change the documentation
   If the economy can only get better or worse, why aren't economists right half the time?
   If the government doesn't trust the people, why doesn't it dissolve them and elect a new people?
   If the government REALLY wanted us to obey the law, they would tell us what it is
   If voting could change the system, it would be illegal. If not voting could change the system, it would be illegal.
   If we can build a space shuttle, why can't we build a decent mattress handle?
   If we're so smart and so creative, why aren't we happier than they are?
   If work were so wonderful, the rich would keep it all for themselves
   If you don't know history, you're condemned to repeat it....If you do know history, you're doomed to make other dumb mistakes
   If you don't make the rules, you don't have to keep them.  If you do make the rules, you won't anyway.
   I'm not a utopian--I'd settle for a world where the nice guys finish second last
   I'm not cynical--I'm right
   I'm not really happy--it's a chemical imbalance
   I'm tired of voting Demopublican--I'm going to vote Republicrat for a change
   In science, it doesn't matter if you're wrong, as long as you're not stupid.  In business, it doesn't matter if you're stupid, so long as you're not wrong.
   In this world, it rains on the Just and the Unjust, but the Unjust have the Just's umbrella
   It may be a police state, but it's OUR police state
   It's hard to be one of the thousand points of light when you can't pay your electric bill
   It's not a bug--it's an undocumented feature
   It's not who wins or loses, it's who keeps score
   It's ok to do the right thing, as long as you don't get caught
   I've found the missing link between animals and humans.  It's us.
   I've read so much about the dangers of sex, smoking, and drinking that I've given up reading
   Jesus: "Hey, Dad?"  God: "Yes, son."  Jesus: "Western Civilization followed me home.  Can I keep it?"  God: "Certainly not!  And put it down this instant--you don't know where it's been."
   Laws expand in proportion to the resources available for their enforcement
   Learn to put the toilet seat down--it makes you look like a warm, sensitive, caring human being
   Let's leave religion to the televangelists.  After all, they're the professionals.
   A liberal is someone who will let you do anything so long as they're paid to help you do it
   Life imitates art, but does it have to imitate satire?
   Life isn't always fair, but it shouldn't cheat that much
   Light a candle, curse the glare
   The light at the end of the tunnel may be a NO EXIT sign
   The lion and the lamb shall lie down together, but the lamb won't get much sleep
   Lotteries--you have to play to lose
   Martyrdom is the oldest way of achieving fame without ability
   The meek may inherit the earth, but it's the grumpy who get promoted
   Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge
   Mercy is a great virtue, but that doesn't mean you should pay full price for a late pizza
   Mules and donkeys aren't used in war because they're too smart to go on a battlefield
   Never ask a barber whether you need a haircut
   Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity
   Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle
   The New Age is just like the old age--only newer
   No matter how cynical you get, it's impossible to keep up
   No matter who you vote for, the government gets elected
   Now you see that Evil will always triumph over Good, because Good is dumb
   Old age and treachery can always overcome youth and skill
   Only borrow from pessimists--they don't expect to be paid back
   Only the insane have strength enough to prosper: only those that prosper truly judge what is sane
   Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former
   Organization: n. Arrangement in an orderly or logical fashion.  See 'miracle'.
   Our civilization has grown past that point of barbarism where it's possible to get anything done
   The paranoids are always the first to suspect
   People are divided into two groups, the righteous and the unrighteous--and it's the righteous who do the dividing
   People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs
   People will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time they will pick themselves up and carry on
   The problem with depending on government is that you can't depend on it
   Progress at best consists of replacing errors with more subtle errors
   The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet
   A real friend isn't someone you use and throw away.  A real friend is someone who you use again and again.
   Rule 1: You can't cure stupid
   Science is true--don't be misled by facts
   The secret is to find out what people really want and then call it self-awareness
   Self-sacrifice is always a virtue--in other people
   The shortest distance between two points has a bridge out
   Smile and the world smiles with you.  Frown and you get credit for thinking.
   Smile.  Tomorrow will be worse.
   Standards are just industry's way of codifying obsolescence
   This is a test.  Had it been an actual attack, the warning system wouldn't have worked.
   Those who like sausage or political policy shouldn't watch either being made
   Trickle down economics: Giving money to government bureaucrats and hoping that some will trickle down to the people who need help
   Two wrongs are only the beginning
   The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output
   Variables don't, constants aren't
   Warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by payment of the invoice
   We have only two things to worry about--either that things will never get back to normal, or that they already have
   What do the lemmings know that we don't?
   What do you get if you play New Age music backwards?  New Age music
   What's the difference between New Age and Neo-Pagan? About $500 a weekend
   When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other
   When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly
   The will to be stupid is a very powerful force
   The work most executives do isn't very different from the work most secretaries do, except that executives rarely have demonstrable skills like typing ninety words a minute
   Work your fingers to the bone, and what do you get?  Bony fingers!
   Wouldn't it be wonderful if everyone gave up violence forever? I could conquer the whole planet with a butter knife
   You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time -- that should be enough for most purposes
   You can't go on forever living in the shadow of world destruction--people get bored.
   You're so cute when you're cynical
   Amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic
   I pretend to work.  They pretend to pay me.
   If God had wanted us to use metric, he would have given us ten fingers
   90% of everything is crap--and your agent gets the other 10%
   If they call it common sense, shouldn't more people have it?
   America was designed by geniuses to be run by idiots
   It doesn't have to make sense--it's the rule of law
   The meetings will continue until productivity improves
   Nostalgia: fond memories of when your knees didn't hurt
   It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them
   The human race's strongest sexual instinct is the impulse to meddle in other people's sex lives  
   These are my principles.  If you don't like them, I have others.   
   Our long nightmare of peace and prosperity is over   
   Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing  
   Anything with "Science" in its name isn't one....Political Science, Christian Science, Creation Science, Computer Science  
   Health consists of having the same diseases as one's neighbors  
   We know Hussein has weapons of mass destruction--we have the receipts  
   Religion isn't the cause of war, it's the excuse  
   Nothing is too good for our troops means Congress hasn't found a way to pay them less than nothing   
   Many are willing to serve God, but only in an advisory capacity   
   No matter how sick the Pope gets, they never send him to Lourdes   
   Knights try to attract women by competing with other men. Troubadours try to attract women by doing things women like. When troubadours succeed, knights think they're cheating.
   But I have to vote for Cthulhu or else Morgoth will win!   
   No one knows the exact age of the human race, but everyone agrees it's old enough to know better   
   Because good is boring  
   Lucifer was pushed!  
   THEY'RE LYING  
   THEY'RE LYING
   The Clarke-Sturgeon Law: 90% of any sufficiently advanced technology is  indistinguishable from crud  
   If you're punctual, no one else is there to appreciate it  
   De facto standards are standards. De jure standards are wishes.  
   P.T. Barnum was an optimist
   They say you can't fool all of the people all of the time, but really, how could you tell?
   Once again, a harmless gasoline fight ends in pointless tragedy
   It takes a village to raise a child to hate all the people in the next village
   Losing faith in humanity, one person at a time
   You mean we spent three billion years giving them brains the size of cantaloupes, and no one thought to install an ON switch?
   Life is cruel. Why should the afterlife be any different?
   Money and popularity are how people without talent keep score
   P.T. Barnum lived before the population explosion
   Everybody lies
   Of those who say nothing, few are silent
   You may say I'm a cynic, but I'm not the only one
   Irony is not dead. It's just exhausted from all the hard work.
   You can print money, but you can't print trust
   Don't worry about people stealing your idea. If it's original, you'll have to ram it down their throats...and they still won't understand it  
   Never permit yourself to be stupid and greedy at the same time
   Common sense-- so rare it's a superpower
   Other people's pleasures are the easiest thing to sacrifice
   If you mix religion and politics, you get politics
   "Intelligent Design?" my knees say *not*.
   Most haystacks don't even have a needle
   I'm not entirely no anyone's side because no one is entirely on mine
   What many people believe is concentration is merely the act of thinking about concentration
   Satirists cannot work under these conditions
   The less satisfactory something is, the more it requires advertising
   Don't worry about what people think. They don't do it very often.
   DANCE like you have health insurance LOVE like you have a right to privacy WORK like your money won't be spent on war, corporate welfare, and jailing harmless people
   It's all right, we weren't using those civil liberties anyway
   In Soviet America, bank robs you
   Let the customers test it-- isn't that what they're for?
   As God is my witness, I thought flying deathbots could end terrorism
   Maybe if we all email the Constitution to each other, the NSA will finally read it

Stickers

   Men exist because cats won't mow the lawn. Women exist because sheep can't cook. Neither of these things explain children.  
   Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain
   They're Lying
   Inside every small problem is a big one trying to get government funding
   People are more passionately opposed to wearing fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than bikers.
   We've got ENOUGH Youth, what we NEED is a Fountain of SMART!
   Support the Math Illiteracy Tax - Buy Lottery Tickets
   A Real Friend isn't someone that you use once and throw away, a Real Friend is someone that you can use again and again!

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CROSSOVER
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